Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
