I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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