i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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