i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
