So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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