my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
