u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
