nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Randomize
