GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
