drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
