My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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