soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
