i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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