i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
