I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
