When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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