he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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