My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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