he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
