Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
