sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
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