Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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