Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
