never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
