so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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