this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
