I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
