Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
