I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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