guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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