They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
