On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
