there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
