I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
