Apparently you make a good broom.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
