We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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