Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
