I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
