What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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