It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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