Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
