Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
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