my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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