just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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