life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
