I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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