i need an iv and a liver transplant
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
