On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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