So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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