I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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