mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm just crazy horny about you
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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