I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
